recovering from perfectionism

current mood:  listless
listening: concrete cypher // HighspeedEli and KARRAHBOOO

resting is so unbelievably important, and yet... somehow, i still feel like i'm failing when i'm not perpetually achieving or working. this attitude is nothing but harmful. like you end up living a miserable existence, unhappy about so much and never satisfied with anything. unlearning this mindset of constant productivity, constant achievement is going to most likely take my entire life. and i will never be happy this way.

i'm in my second semester of my master's program and i need to learn how to both cultivate a routine and learn how to rest. because of the way things turned out in my first semester, i've become essentially a hermit. all i do is stay indoors, in my room, studying and reading and doing my stupid hobbies and doing chores. i barely ever go outside anymore and i just know that's not a great thing... yet somehow i feel content and happy this way. still, there's an inkling of dissatisfaction and boredom deep inside me... i miss some things about my undergraduate uni, where my friends were within walking distance and i could see people if i just left my home. people were a bit more sociable i guess. 

life is what i make of it. i should stop cancelling on dates and try to meet people. i should go sign up for the ballet classes i always wanted. i should stop caring and stop being paralyzed by ghosts of the past. 

i only have myself to live with.